13 Reasons Why You’re Still Single

It’s no secret that a lot of us hate being single. (And, yes, that includes those of us surrounded at all times by a wealth of viable suitors or eye-lash-batting women.) Maybe it’s because we hate feeling vulnerable. Maybe it’s because we’re jaded about the dating pool. Or maybe it’s because we’re simply trying too hard. Whatever the case, we’ve compiled the most common reasons that singles living among us remain that way (even if we aren’t totally sure why). If any of these sound like you, don’t worry. Whenever you’re ready to start dating in earnest, know that there are more singles on the planet than ever before—and if you’re happily coupled up and would like to remain that way, here are the 20 Reasons Why Fall Shouldn’t Be an Excuse for a Relationship Cooldown.

1You’re Determined to Be
Let’s get the most obvious reason out of the way: lots of people are single simply because they prefer it. “When you feel you don’t want to be ‘tied down’ and want to have fun and not be attached, your behaviors will support this,” explains Susan Golicic, Ph.D., a certified relationship coach and co-founder of Uninhibited Wellness.

Unless you have a change of heart, there’s no reason to do anything differently here. But sometimes just recognizing the fact that you actually like being alone can help you feel more at peace with your single status. (Plus, being single when you want to be single is flat-out awesome.) And if you’re single and you’re ready to get back into the game, here are 7 Expert Dating Tips from Silicon Valley’s Top Millionaire Matchmaker.

2You’re Always Looking for The Next Best Thing
“Dating apps have created the illusion that something—or rather someone—better will always come along at the swipe of a finger,” notes Margaux Cassuto, founder and president of Three Matches. This leaves some people unsatisfied with pretty much everyone they meet. “This dissatisfaction creates a vicious circle that can’t be broken even by the most dreamy date.”

So how do you fix it? Well, there’s nothing wrong with not liking every single person you go out with, but giving someone else you genuinely like a chance—even if they’re not the perfect vision of your ideal mate you’ve carved from your imagination—could actually result in lasting love. Don’t forget: a lot of colleagues find love only after spending weeks and months in each other’s company. Oh, and speaking of: if you’re indeed crushing on a coworker, be sure to memorize these 12 Rules for Dating a Colleague.

3You’re Not Willing to Compromise
“Life is about compromises (not settling),” explains Stef Safran, dating expert and owner of Stef and the City. “If you have an idea that someone should be a certain height, have certain hair, or not have certain ‘baggage,’ you need to acknowledge the reality that many people don’t marry their ‘ideals,'” she says. In other words, while it’s important to know your absolute deal breakers, no one is going to meet every single desired quality on your “perfect match” list. “Spending a few dates with someone who isn’t your ideal may help you meet someone that you can fall in love with.”

4You’re Still Hurting From a Past Breakup
If you just went through a tough breakup, the idea of dating might make you cringe. “This is a valid reason if it’s only been a few weeks or even a month or two,” says Barry Selby, author and relationship expert. “Rebound romance is mostly unsuccessful.” But he does caution that if it’s been longer than that, especially a year or more, it may be time to make an effort to heal whatever’s holding you back from dating again.

5People Keep Trying to Change You
Nothing is more frustrating than dating someone who wants you to be different from who you really are. “Maybe you have been in a relationship before and found that your partner was trying to mold you into their version of the perfect mate,” says Rhonda Milrad, LCSW, founder of online relationship community, Relationup.

“Before long, your clothing changed, your hairstyle was altered, and aspects of your lifestyle were rejected. You didn’t have the ability to push back and feared losing the relationship. Right now, you’re in a place where you enjoy being who you are and how you live and don’t want to be anybody’s project.”

6You’re Not Ready for a Relationship
“You may feel you’re ready for a relationship, and you may be searching for a partner and expressing to others that you don’t want to be single, but deep inside you could still very much be not ready to be in a relationship,” says Golicic. “This is likely because of past relationship experiences that haven’t been resolved or you haven’t let go of.”

What’s more, if your mind knows you’re not ready, you may try to get into a relationship, but your behavior might actually drive people away without even trying. If this sounds familiar, Golicic recommends checking in with a therapist or relationship coach to get to the bottom of what’s holding you back.